ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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