My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
