Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
