I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
