nut hugger
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
