FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
