I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
