My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
