I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
