They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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