bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
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