9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
