was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
