your parents love me but you hate me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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