I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
