Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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