My cat gives me a boner
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
