My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
