1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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