too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
