My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
