and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
