the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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