I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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