she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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