My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
