We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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