a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
