So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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