I wish I could teleport
im six kinds of drunk right now
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
