pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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