im holly from the hills drunk
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
