I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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