Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
