I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
