Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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