Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i out mim tonsoeep
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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