My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
