My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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