Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Girls should come with a carfax report
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
