I faked an abortion last night.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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