Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
