my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
sex in a hospital.. check
So vagazzling was a success
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
