Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
