i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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