I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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