the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
