So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
