If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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