I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
