I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
