Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
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Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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