A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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