i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
