Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
