she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
